Uncertainty - Anxiety or Excitement ?

When you are uncertain, what comes to your mind: Anxiety or Excitement ?

Going back in time, I find, whenever I was uncertain, it was almost always Anxiety.

Why?

I was not confident of the outcome of my actions. I had no control over the situation I was being put into. I was not sure if I was doing the things right.

I thought I knew what I am going to do in next 6 next six months. Where I will be in the next 3 years. How I will be in the next 10 years.

Now that a whole new change is coming... there is huge amount of uncertainty.

But now there is excitement.

Why?

I am confident of my actions. I think I can turn the situations to my favour. I believe I am doing the right thing.

But, I have no clue what I am going to do in the next 6 months. I do not know where I will be in the next 3 years. I do not know how I will be in the next 10 years.

This uncertanity should create anxiety. But no, I am excited instead.

When in uncertanity, I was anxious but I could see the future.

Now I am excited about this uncertainty but something blinds me off the future.

And that's where the Irony is !!!

I think I just have to be prepared for everything, anything and then just go with the flow of heart !

Do you HAVE to bitch abt your EX to get over them ?

Do you HAVE to bitch about your EX in order to get over them ?

I'm still searching for an answer to that question for the last 5 years...
I've seen my friends slashing invectives at their ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriends in order to get over them.

I guess it gives them a closure to say to themselves that "I'm OVER you !!".
But I could never bring myself that brink of lowliness.

But now I realize that it's not lowliness, but a necessary step to get over your EX. Unless you do that, you never really get over your EX. I've never done it in public. I've done in my mind, but only sometimes felt guilty about it. Not always. Actually most of the time it is really a satisfaction to have a closure. I guess I've never reached that point of closure. I still have residual feelings which are going to be there for the rest of my life, unless I find someone of that equal potential who could provide the same emotional and psychological compatibility.

I wonder when I'm really going to say "I'm OVER you ..... !".
I just hope that this instance comes before I have to slash inventive at her when under the influence of booze and more hopefully... before someone finds me !

Five years of living in rejection and you really cannot distinguish between love and limerence.

Limerence is a cognitive and emotional state of being emotionally attached or even obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings, but not primarily for a sexual relationship (although it can further intensify the situation). The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe a near-obsessive form of romantic love.^[1] Limerence is sometimes also interpreted as infatuation, or is colloquially known as a crush, but in reality it is something much different. In common speech, infatuation includes aspects of immaturity and extrapolation from insufficient information, and is usually short-lived.

For those who are in Love... check out if it really is Limerence !!

Dedicated to Binoy ...!!!

Movie Masti Magic !

One of my friends wanted an article on "What is your favorite movie?" and that's where I had to prepare him one. So I wrote about mine and posted here, just to keep a copy of it।

Directed in 1999 by one of the veterans of Indian cinema, Sanjay Leela Bansali, Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam is one of my favorite movies.

This one stars Aishwarya Rai as Nandini, in love with charismatic Salam Khan in the role of Sameer (a.k.a. "Hawa ka Jhowka") with power-packed & National award winning performance by action-turned-romantic Ajay Devgan as Vanraj.

The feature film starts with interactions between Nandini and Sameer, who has come all the way from Italy to learn classical music from Nandini's father. First part of the feature elaborates on how the chirpy & innocent couple fall in love. Nandin's whole extended family is unaware of their liaison when Nandini's strict & principles oriented father promises her marriage to Vanraj, son of their family friend.

Most part of the movie was shot in Gujarat-Rajasthan and the latter part in Budapest which was passed off as Italy in the movie. Cinematography and music were also notable and my favorites. Authenticity to cultural references and costumes were carried out with elegance, which makes it a "Picture Perfect" for me as well as the critics.

If I am allowed to elaborate on the plot and summary, I would like to add that this one could be considered one of the memorable romantic movies of Indian Cinema. Here the makers tried to depict the notion that love is all about sacrifice. Of course, this was mainstream cinema and meant solely for entertainment, nevertheless this is considered an art judging on how the film was made and the commercial and critical acclaim it attained.

Continuing on the plot, Nandini & Sameer are by now deeply in love and their innocuous loves comes out on every frame. Soon, Nandini's father finds out and banishes Sameer from their villa. Sameer has no where to go in India and returns to Italy. In between he had written letters to Nandini to join him, but she never receives them. Nandini is married off to Vanraj who is deeply in love with her. One day Nandin's mother visits them along with their domestic help who brings Sameer's letters to Nandini. Vanraj finds Nandini reading of those letters and though initially angry at her for lying to him, takes her to Italy to have her reunited with Sameer. This is one instances of "sacrifice for love" and another is delivered at the climax with loads of irony.

The scenic beauty of Budapest and its surrounding villages are shown as Vanraj and Nandini have set themselves in search of Sameer. Nandini is indifferent to Vanraj & only wishes to be reunited with Sameer. But as their quest for Sameer advances, they both reach a point where they define their building relationship as friendship. Gathering information about Sameer, Vanraj closes in but Nandini meets with an accident, just when they were about to meet him. Despite many difficulties, Vanraj takes good care of her and she secretly falls in love with him.

When it's time for Nandini to be with united with Sameer, she realizes that "love is about sacrifice" and parts with Sameer to be with Vanraj who was willing to ... Sacrifice "his love" for "his love".

And that's how the "Irony" crumbles !

Faith Rewarded

This one I picked up from Christopher Nolan's "The Dark Knight".

I am standing at point in my life where I want my faith rewarded.

There was this guy I know from School. He dropped out after 10th. I did not meet him since then, only on the streets around my house. No more than "Hi-Hello" took place between us and we exchanged words about where everyone else was. A few months ago he had taken a few of my friend’s cell phone numbers. So he calls up this year in January and wants me to meet him. He is skinny and definitely not in a good shape. And trying to hide the fact with cheap facade. By now you have guessed it right. He wants money.

I gave it to him. Not expecting he would return them. That I had to mention because that's where my faith lies: Help out others without any expectations. And if you are helping someone you are taking the pain in your ass. These I believe are the cardinal rules of helping someone.

I was happy that I could help him when there was no light in his life. He had been in and out of petty jobs but did not have anything permanent. I also knew that a few years ago he had been form Hyderabad with unsuccessful bouts of odd jobs there. He told me that he had recently got married and that his parents had disowned him for that, presumably because he did not have a job. Now this guy was really in a fix. I did not want to believe those stories, but I knew that he was in need of money. I did not care about the stories he cooked to get the money out of me. I just gave him what he need at the moment. I also felt that "she" would have approved of it. This is also one of my forlorn faiths I want rewarded.

Now he started visiting me in every 3-4 weeks asking for more. when I felt like it I gave it to him. When I did not, I just ignored him. He came once with the news that his mother had expired. I did not believe him and I did not help him then. He tried his wife to call me (if that was his wife at all). I did not help him then either. Once he came up with a tale that he needed to deposit money to a Security Agency where he will be placed as a security guard. I did help him then. There were situations like that his wife was admitted to hospital. He needed money, it did not matter what story he was cooking. If I felt like it, I lent him some.

Finally I started avoiding him. He usually called from PCO or someone else's cell. He does not have a cell. Not receiving phone call from unknown numbers or lying that I am not available to meet him, was what I thought would drive him away. It did not.

Now he comes up and says he has got HIV. I lent him some. He showed me some papers where his name was mentioned and that report motioned HIV reactive. I did not feel pity or compassion. Just lent him some and asked him to take care. Then he calls up in a couple of days to say his wife needs abortion and he needs money. I told him I could not help. That did not stop him from calling again when I was having a booze party. The alcohol had kicked in and I just shoved him over with some real harsh words. That hasn't stopped him either .

I do not want this over me. I was upset about this episode. I feel I helped him to my extent. I can handle this. I will. But my question is: Did I do the right thing? If I did the wrong thing, then at what point of this story? I have to learn to say no at the right moment. I have to learn not to let go of my faith. I am yet to find what would be the reward of holding on to my faith: me getting rid of him or him getting better with his life. All the same "I want my faith rewarded".

Excerpts from My Diary [What have I Learnt Today… 2nd April 2010, Kolkata]

Stop Asking What is the Purpose of Life

On a day you were bursting with happiness, did you ask yourself this question. No. Only when life gets a little sedate, you ask. You need a purpose to life only when being alive is not sufficient. Right now, the biggest thing in your life is that you are alive.

The mind is looking for a purpose because people have not experienced life in full. If your experience of life becomes deeper, your question will disappear. Life does not need a purpose; it is a purpose in itself. It need not lead you on to something else. Being exuberantly alive is sufficient in itself. This is the beauty of Life.

If I show you one side of my hand, you cannot see the other side. This is so about everything. Even if you look at a grain of sand, you'll be looking at one part of it only. We see everything in parts, Life too.

We sense Life by our sensory organs. And that is not enough to realize even a grain in full. We get only bits and part. Not every bit in full. Same with Life. No matter how many bits we gather it'll never be full. That's Human Life.

Once you realize that Life does not need a purpose, just to be alive is great.

[Excerpts from Cosmic Uplink, Economic Times]

FOUNTAINHEAD...

“FOUNTAINHEAD” depicts four kinds of men:
1. Man who should be
2. Man who could be
3. Man who cannot be and knows it
4. Man who could not be and does not know it

I wonder which category I fall into. Ellsworth Toohey is the closest I can get myself to. The man who cannot be and knows it. I have done things Toohey has done “Enshrine mediocrity…” but I have not shown anything to “raze all shrines”, unlike Toohey.

Sometimes I feel like Peter Keating, confused and give in to doing things the “collective soul” would appreciate. In fact I’m contemplating celibacy just so that I could be perceived as an idiosyncratic, stolid, quintessential celibate. These, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to achieve. And even if I do, will it make me happy ? Happy only if I’m successful at what I do for a living. Here successful is synonymous to filthy rich. If you are "that" everybody appreciates whatever you are. I think I should leave that for time to tell.
If I can bring myself to achieving these attributes to my character, no matter where I land up, I guess, Howard Roark would be the man I come closest to.
Most people are mixture of Keating and Toohey, including me.

We know Roark is what one should be. But we avoid being Roark. Its’ like being Cipher from MATRIX who would rather dwell in the dream world rather than the real world. Being Cipher wouldn’t amount to anything. Being Neo, Trinity or Morpheus is hard and the thing (belief) they were giving up their life for, did that amount to anything they had perceived ? After NEO wins, there would have been abominable politics, guile systems to satisfy few chauvinists and snobs. There also lurks the possibility of machines attacking again, consolidating their enslaving supremacy.

Still, there remains the difference between “achieving something” and the “way you choose to achieve”. I know that I’ve made the choice. I have to learn why I made that choice – as THE ORACLE puts it.

Excerpts from My Diary [What have I Learnt Today… 7th July, 2007, Kolkata]

Maturity

In words of Stephen R. Covey, “Maturity is a balance between courage and consideration. ”
Courage to put forward your feeling and conviction with a consideration for others’ feelings and convictions, especially when the matter is important to both.
When I confronted her about my feelings, I was too much into “consideration” part rather than the “courage” part. I simply did not have the courage to put forward my real feelings. Now that I think about it, I had fared "good" enough that day. But “good” is worst enemy of “best”. I should have done my “best”, but I did only “good”, or so do I think.I was too much “concerned” about how she would take it. I was too pernickety about what she would she think of me and if I would be able to sustain any kind of relationship with her.
So, to be more mature I have to balance the “courage” and “consideration” in dealing with people.
Excerpts from My Diary [What have I Learnt Today… 30th May, 2007, Kolkata]

Carnal Desires...

How to call the tune of carnal desires....?
But first..., the question should be,
Shall we deny the very thing that makes us squeal...?
Yes, if it leaves a lament and feeling of guilt. Lament refrains from realizing "what has happened cannot be undone" and trammels the contemplation of future prosperity. So, to get good riddance of guilt, annexation of carnal desires is only but sacroscant.

Now, the most difficult part, how to crub it?
At this point of time my fingers rests as I cannot put forward one indisputable solution. I have failed myself at every resolution to crub my libidinous thoughts from shutting down my brain cells. But I have not disdained myself from these fiasco.
No matter what, I'll have to learn to find ways to keep my insatiable coitious longings from taking over my senses for momentary pleaseure in a compromising position and ridiculous after-effects.

Excerpts from My Diary [What Have I Learnt Today, 14th July 2007, Kolkata]